


The Letter

by Huntress79



Series: The Redemption Of Bucky Barnes [6]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Epistolary, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 18:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20412238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress79/pseuds/Huntress79
Summary: Before he goes back into cryo, Bucky writes a letter to Steve, finally gathering the courage to say things he should have said eons ago.





	The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [superhero_land](https://superhero-land.livejournal.com/) and the prompt “I wanted you to know how much I care about you” by ama_ranth_827. Set after the mid-credit scene from “Civil War”. Enjoy!

*********************

For some time, nobody dared to even approach the blond man standing in the middle of the medical lab, staring at the tube containing his best friend, the reason why they were here in the first place, the man he would fight the whole universe for. The man who had chosen to go back into cryo, something he loathed more than the crimes he did in the 7 decades under HYDRA, just to make sure they could find a way to help him with the programming and make sure he never, ever would be a danger to anyone, at least Steve.

“Captain Rogers?”

In the end, Shuri mustered up the courage to do it, especially since Bucky had asked her to deliver something to Steve once he was “on the rocks” again. She still wasn’t sure what to make of the former assassin, but she somehow felt that beneath it all, there was a very vulnerable, very sensitive human being hidden, so insecure after all that had happened that he couldn’t gather the courage to say certain things to his best friend in person.

“Y… yeah?” Steve put up a fight to suppress a full-body shudder, but he failed when he turned away to look at her. “Is something wrong, Princess?”

“No, not at all, Captain…,” Shuri stopped when she saw him grimace. “Steve, I think it’s better when you go back to your quarters. Bucky is in the safest place in all of Wakanda right now, and these people,” she made an encompassing gesture to all the scientists in the lab, “will make sure that this status quo is kept as long as we need to crack the coding.”

“But…”

“No but,” T’Challa cut in from the doorway, “my sister and her team of scientists are the best of the best, and they know what they do. Besides, they all will work better and faster when they don’t have to navigate around a blond roadblock.” He gave Steve a reassuring smile. “Come, Rogers, walk with me.” With that, the new King of Wakanda was out of the door.

“Oh, and Steve?” Shuri waited until she had Steve’s full attention. “Before we started the cryo procedure, Bucky gave me this with the order to only hand it to you once he was under again.” She held the envelope out, and with some hesitation, Steve took it, his usually strong and stable hands shaking. She looked first at him, then out in the hallway where her brother was still waiting for Steve to catch up to him. “I think my brother is still waiting for you, Rogers.”

“You call for me when there’s anything, right?”

“Of course, once we have a real breakthrough. I won’t bother you with failed attempts, that’s for sure.”

At long last, Steve seemed to be confident about leaving Bucky behind (once again), and he left the lab, much to the common relief of everyone. Even T’Challa held his head a bit higher when Steve joined him for his walk.

“Alright, people, let’s get to work!” Shuri commanded, though she knew that her team was already deep in their respective work fields.

*********************

After following T’Challa around almost the whole palace (and some of the gardens too), the King finally stopped at Steve’s new quarters before biding him goodbye.

Stepping into the first room, Steve finally felt how all the tension that had cumulated over the past few days left his body in a rush. In fact, he had to catch himself on one of the columns of the doorway into the next room to prevent from falling face first into the floor. Somehow, Steve knew that he wouldn’t be able to get up on his own. He was tired, not only from the fighting, but from all that had happened since waking up 7 decades in the future.

Pushing himself forward, he finally made it into the bedroom, sitting down on the large bed. For some minutes, he only stared into space, trying to get his wild swirling thoughts back under control. Only then, he remembered the envelope in his hands, and he finally looked at it.

The front only contained one word – “Steve” – but it was in Bucky’s familiar scrawl, and just looking at it made Steve’s heart clench in a painful way. Why did his friend had to suffer so much? Why him? Why destroying one of the purest souls Steve had ever encountered?

He finally got around to open the envelope and pull the letter out, holding the sheet of paper almost reverently in his still shaking hands. And try as he might, he couldn’t keep the tears at bay while reading.

_“Dear Steve,_

_before anything else, please do me and everyone else a favor and don’t beat yourself up about me. As I told you on the way to Siberia, though I was brainwashed, it was somehow my choice, my decision to follow all these orders. So don’t torture **your** brain with what-if scenarios that we both know would never, ever happened. It’s part of my past, and while I’m not happy about it, I also have to find a way to live with it, to use it as a means to get better, to become a better human again. Me going into cryo until Shuri and her scientists have found a way to rid me of the HYDRA programming is part of this way, and I only can hope you will keep on supporting me, even when I’m not really around. And especially after what comes next.”_

Steve paused in reading, both trying to figure out what Bucky meant with the last line AND getting his emotions under control for the second time in quick succession. What the heck was his pal talking about? Only one way to find out, so to speak, and so, Steve continued to read.

_“Believe me, Steve, what I’m going to tell you next has been on my brain pretty much from the moment we met all those decades ago. Sure, it wasn’t in that intensity as it is now, but somehow, it was always there. And still, I never could gather the courage to tell you that thing to your face, afraid that I would lose the best friend I ever could have. Even now, even though you have seen into the abyss that my being is, I can’t say it out loud around you. Therefore, this letter, which I hope you get to read after I’m back in cryo. I can withstand a lot, but I know that I wouldn’t be able to see the disappointment, maybe even disdain on your face and withstand that. I just can’t._

_Alright, here goes nothing… Can you believe I wanted to write **”I wanted you to know how much I care about you”**? Yeah, in hindsight it not only sounds quite stupid, it also doesn’t even start to encompass my true feelings for you, Steve. And those feelings don’t stop at you being my best friend for an eternity, not at all._

_I love you, Steve, more than you ever you could imagine. There’s so many things about you that I love, even before the serum. The way you don’t back down from a fight, even when you **know** you’re not going to win that one. The way you always want to make people aware of the bad things that happen to common people. I can’t remember every detail, but I still have this image in my head of you, shortstock that you were back then, climbing up on the barricade the union workers had put up and joining their chorus, louder than any of them. One of those moments where I even fell more in love with you than I already had been._

_The unwavering trust, unwavering faith you have in the good in the people. And with everything you have seen, even with 7 decades in the ice, you shouldn’t have it anymore. People are bad, not all, but a lot of them, and still, you would go and fight for the whole world, even when they punish you and send you on the run if you dare to take a side, be it mine or anyone else’s._

_I could go on and on with listing every little thing I love about you, but as we both know, I’m not **that** good with words, never have been. Besides, one of the nurses told me to finish as they are about to put me under. So I gotta make this list a bit shorter._

_Here’s hoping that **when** – that’s right, not **if**, but **when** – Shuri and her team have found a way to crack the code in my brain and bring me out of cryo again, that you not only will be there, but that you can still look me in the eye after my confession. Even if you don’t feel the same for me, that’s okay. I hope we can, at least, be the best friends once again._

_With all my love,  
Bucky.”_

Letting the letter slide to the floor, Steve crumbled, folding in on himself. And for quite some time, only the sounds of his sobs were heard in the room.

*********************

**The End**

*********************

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